They Get You With the Add-Ons

Another way sperm banks inhale your money is through extended profiles, childhood photos and, if the cryobank is Fairfax or California, all kinds of other crazy shit. If cryobanks are movie theaters, the extras are the $5 Cokes. If cryobanks are Best Buy, the extras are the extended warranties.

Here is Fairfax Cryobank’s a la carte menu.

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California Cryobank’s puts Fairfax’s to shame. Example: “Express Yourself allows a donor to present himself in a manner that best captures his personality including original poetry, songs, essays, photographs, drawings, recipes and more.”

I tried to imagine how a donor might Express Himself poetically, based on my analysis of several donor questionnaires.

There once was a broke college lad,
Whose car payment made him feel sad,
So he went to a bank,
Where he gave it a yank,
And said, ‘whatever, so I’m a dad.”

I also tried to imagine how a donor would Express Himself with a recipe, but failed.


Northwest Cryobank offers just the extended profile and baby picture options. I broke down and spent the $50 for both.

I held my breath as I waited for the baby pictures to download. Surely, this baby would be my soul mate.

My reaction was a resounding “meh.” He wasn’t that cute and didn’t look like the sharpest hoe in the shed.

This lack of connection to the baby depressed me for a couple of days. I only bought three vials of Daddy. I could return him for a modest restocking fee.

Then I was all, whatever. This child is but a crude physical manifestation of my actual purchase: genetic material. I was a doofus-y baby, and that’s not stopping me from kicking in my half.

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