That stuff, you know, the STUFF, YES FINE I MEAN SPERM DAMMIT

These twin babies are scared because ShutterStock is coming to get them.

These twin babies are scared because the Shutterstock watermark is coming to get them.

News! I HAVE ACTUAL FERTILITY ISSUES. This was a huge shock as I’ve been gleefully assuming decades of drug/alcohol/smoke-free living have left me with a pristine reproductive system. This is despite my doctor telling me a few months ago that “there is no such thing as a young 39” when it comes to one’s eggs. My eggs don’t care how young I look. I wish there were Kiehl’s products for eggs.

So it’s the fast track to Clomid for me. This slightly ups the chance of twins (see above).

Before this bombshell, I was working on my first post in ages, a glossary of terms and euphemisms. Enjoy!

Aetna: The word that one must always precede with “for fuck’s sake,” and follow with either the word “eyeroll” or by actually rolling one’s eyes.

birth: “baby extraction process,” “ugh, I don’t want to talk about it,” “isn’t there a better way?”, “the hospital stay,” “so, what do you think about elective C-sections?”

Clomid: the gateway drug to bigger, badder drugs, then IVF.

dewar: the vacuum flask that holds the “the goods.” AKA “the package,” “the big box,” “the shipment.”

breastfeeding: “ugh, I don’t want to talk about it,” “the thing that if you don’t do people shun you,” “the thing that’s convenient but ewww.”

follicles: The things it is good I have. They are detected using this weird ultrasound wand the clinic puts in one’s … see last glossary entry.

FSH: follicle stimulating hormone. I thought the doctors were saying “SSH,” which isn’t that weird because what is a uterus other than a secure shell? FSH is the thing I have too much of, which is quite sinister, even for a 39-and-10-month-year-old.

insemination: “dispatching the genetic material, “the procedure,” “basting,” “you know, the thing,” “THE THING MOM YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN DON’T MAKE ME SAY IT.”

sperm: “the requisite genetic material,” “the goods,” “the contents of the dewar,” “the vial contents,” “you know, the stuff,” “THE STUFF MOM YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN DON’T MAKE ME SAY IT.”

ovulation: “the smiley face,” “the blinking smiley face” (i.e. what appears in the results window of at-home ovulation tests).

sex: “The normal way,” quickly adding “for straight couples.”

twins: According to everyone I know, “the last thing I want.” According to me and my flabbergasting naivety, “two for the price of one.”

vagina: “down there,” “the target area.” “Hoo-ha” is acceptable among female friends.

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