Skincare Secrets of the Whiny and Entitled

For the past decade, when people asked how I maintained my flawless alabaster skin, I would shrug and say “good genes.”

This was my skincare regimen. On days when I was feeling ambitious.

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While I never tested this, I’m pretty sure I could have gone to bed with my face coated in lard and suffered no ill effects. This made me feel superior, as if I had a special talent.

But the “good genes” response was a lie. I knew what was keeping my skin perfect, and it wasn’t a painting in an attic. It was birth-control pills, which I took for two reasons: to spare myself extra mood swings, and to keep my supernaturally good skin looking supernaturally good.

Obviously, I am no longer taking them. I soon I had the skincare equivalent of the moment in “Superman II” after Superman gives up his powers and gets clobbered by the douchey redneck in the diner and sees himself bleed for the first time.

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The below lineup is now part of my skincare regimen. I did not photograph the two makeup removers and the daytime SPF 25 moisturizer, because they don’t match my Kiehls products.

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My skin, while not perfect again, is nearly so. If I use these six products, which all together cost somewhere between $150 and $200. If I do not EVER touch my face. If I squeeze NOTHING that looks squeezable. If I am VIGILANT.

If you want to try my procedure — and it works pretty well — here it is:

Rare Earth Deep Pore Cleansing Masque: Use three times a week. Put on so much not a single pore is visible.
Pineapple Papaya Facial Scrub: Use three times a week. Let it sit on your face awhile so the enzymes can eat the zits or whatever they do.
Ultra Facial Cleanser: Use when your face is really greasy, grimy and/or sweaty, and to wash neck, ears and decolletage.
Rare Earth Deep Pore Daily Cleanser: Use twice a day. This component may be the magic bullet, but I’m too lazy to do an elimination trial to find out.
Ultra Facial Cream: Use twice a day. Don’t forget your neck.
Blue Herbal Spot Treatment: Put this on anything red. Repeat and repeat until whatever the red is goes away. SQUEEZE NOTHING. Trust in the Blue Herbal Spot Treatment.

Remove your makeup before using any of the scrubs, masques or cleansers. Don’t forget a daily sunscreen; I use some Clinique product I will doubtless replace with something Kiehls as soon as I run out.

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