Merry Christmas from Dewar #35!

dewarsantaIn honor of the dewar, I half-assedly adapted a few verses of “Baby, It’s Cold Outside.”

It really can’t stay
(But baby, it’s cold inside)
It’s got to go away
(But baby, it’s cold inside)

These weekdays have been
(Been hoping that I’d drop in)
So very weird
(Hold me in your hands, they’ll turn to ice)

The cryobank will start to worry
(Beautiful, what’s your hurry?)
They’ll charge me an exorbitant fee
(What’s a few hundred more?)

So really it had better scurry
(Beautiful, please don’t hurry)
But maybe just a half a day more

The Five Most Surprising Things I Learned From “Five Most Surprising Things I Learned From Pregnancy Books” Lists on Yahoo! Voices

1. Celebrity news is as useful as pregnancy books.

From “5 Shockers I Read in Pregnancy Books“:

It’s not unusual to eat the placenta
Although I was shocked by the use of the method, some people actually do this, and it is explained in many pregnancy books. After hearing about placenta eating, I had to know more!

From Yahoo! OMG: “Kim Kardashian and Other Celebs Talk Eating Placenta

Now that the news that Kim Kardashian is having a girl has sunk in, it’s time to talk about something else that happened on the season premiere of “Keeping Up with the Kardashians.” Kim announced to her fans that she plans to eat her placenta!

2. Editorializing is standard for this medium.

From “Most Unexpected Advice from Pregnancy Books“:

Absolutely No Amount Of Alcohol Is Safe
I’ve gleamed numerous chatroom discussions online where people discuss how they are having a half a glass of wine as a celebration during pregnancy. Honestly, I never risked even taking a sip of the most diluted Christmas egg nog, and I don’t get why anyone would.

3. Personal experience trumps doing research.*

From “Five of the Most Surprising Things I Read in My Pregnancy Books“:

You Will Drool All the Time
I never imagined when I first got pregnant that I would wake up with drool on my face every morning. I was surprised that this was in pregnancy books because it took me by surprise.

From “Ptyalism in pregnant women“:

Ptyalism affects few pregnant women.

From “Evaluation and management of sialorrhea of pregnancy with concomitant hyperemesis“:

Although excessive salivation, especially when accompanied by protracted nausea and vomiting, is an unusual occurrence …

4. Cookies are an essential part of a healthy prenatal diet.

From “5 Surprising Pregnancy Facts I Learned by Reading Pregnancy Books“:

You only need about 300 extra calories.
Finding out that I should only add an additional 300 calories to my diet each day was a huge disappointment. This meant that I could only add an extra two cookies or so to my diet.

You know, instead of some extra protein and vegetables.

5. You have pica.

From “The Most Surprising Things I Read in Pregnancy Books“:

When you’re pregnant there’s actually a condition referred to as pica. It’s a type of eating disorder where pregnant woman crave things like dirt, clay, and ice. I thought for quite some time that I might have this because I craved the smell of nail polish and ate a lot of ice. Turns out I just liked the ice because I was always so hot.

Do you like a smell? PICA.

*While I don’t expect Yahoo! Voices authors to use PubMed, surely the pregnancy book(s) did not say ALL pregnant women drool ALL the time. A more accurate subhead would be “personal experience trumps conservative phrasing,” but that applies to every one of these items.

Grow! Grow! Grow!

The first baby gift arrived today, from Uncle Matt and Miss Lindsay! It will go well with the other items on my registry. (Ed. note 12/14: This was funny at the time because everything on my registry was clown-related.)

It’s also a good parenting test. If I can’t get a Chia Clown to flourish, I probably should not be allowed to have a child.

babydecor

Shut Up, Internet

Obsessing over whether or not one is pregnant is really confusing, thanks to the Internet. Because it turns out that EVERYTHING is an early sign of pregnancy, depending on what sketchy online forum you land in.

Here’s an example:

Tooth Sensitivity

teeth3

teeth4

 

 

 

 

 

Yahoo! Voices, by the way, is an excellent source. The most popular type of pregnancy post on Yahoo! Voices lists information the author found surprising in pregnancy books. This reminds me of birds that regurgitate food into the mouths of their young. And Alicia Silverstone.

I decided to feed the Internet “symptoms” I already have. Wow, I’ve been pregnant for weeks, even months!

Lack of Appetite

lack of appetite3

lack of appetite4

lack of appetite2

Apathy

apathy

Easy Bruising

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My favorite thread is from countdowntopregnancy.com. Exchanges like these are how the Morgellon’s hysteria began.

Q: Bruising and early pregnancy?

I’ve never been a very easy bruiser and I’ve been noticing several small bruises lately. Is easy bruising any sort of sign or am I really grabbing at straws here? haha

Answered by shereenadmir – May. 10, 2013 10:40pm
YES i am a very tanned person, i never bruise, yet i have a huge one on my leg with no clue how it got there,

Answered by misso1 – Dec. 21, 2011 2:56pm
Same here. Bruise slight bigger than a quarter on my leg. Doesnt hurt. Interesting

Answered by MeeshNFG – May. 29, 2011 4:14pm
I was wondering the same thing! I have notice quite a few bruises on my legs. So, I googled it. Turns out a lot of women bruise easy when pregnant because they can become anemic. Just a thought =)

Answered by a member – Mar. 30, 2011 6:32pm
Good question!
I do not bruise easily either, and there was a random bruise on my forearm Monday….
Anyone have the answer?

Answered by cuppycakes87 – Mar. 28, 2011 5:35pm
I won’t be of much help here, but as I noticed a bruise on my wrist earlier and asked myself the same thing! I don’t know how I got it lol. Good luck!!

the dewar's profile

Confused? Read this or Google Image “dewar’s profile.”

dewar

This is what the dewar looks like without its costume, left. This is what the dewar contains (+2), right.

I expected dramatic vapor to emerge from the dewar when opened. Nope. I did “burn” my fingers on the contents because I ignored the directions’ exhortation to wear gloves.

The little vial sits out until the frost goes away. Then you stick it under your arm for 10 minutes (to bring it to body temperature) and it’s ready for action.

Action involves a syringe and catheter that, for all practical purposes, amount to a baster. Happy Thanksgiving! You don’t want this in your turkey!

One does one’s business, then one watches “The Mindy Project” for two hours so one can tweet Mindy Kaling that one conceived while watching classic Season One episodes and then maybe Mindy will come to one’s baby shower.

Repeat twice on consecutive days, return the dewar to a licensed UPS facility and hope you don’t need to do more of this because every round costs $1,100. That’s a lot of Modcloth!

How to Magically Get Pregnant

1. Buy a ton of clothing that you will never fit into again if you get pregnant. Remove the tags. The clothing will lose its powers if it is returnable.

2. Tell the cryobank to ship the goods. This will cost $160, plus $30 for three basters. Track the package as often as possible, at least once an hour. This will insure prompt delivery.

3. Drink every caffeinated beverage you can without your heart exploding. At least five Cheerwines a day. You may be entering a dark period of no Cheerwine.

4. Tell everyone who walks into your office that you are trying to get pregnant on Friday. You can’t fail now!

5. Consider buying an expensive, non-refundable plane ticket to somewhere overseas nine months from now, in case the clothing purchase doesn’t work.

[Ed. Note 11/14/14: None of this worked.]

News Round-Up II

1. I encountered a new Northwest Cryobank ad!

The content of this Urban Dictionary entry is hardly infant-appropriate. That mom’s too busy smelling her baby to notice.

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2. I used the high-powered media outlet at which I work to take a bold stance on parenting.

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3. I was in CPR/AED/first aid training on Monday. We all had to practice our skills on baby dolls. No one else named their babies! (Mine was Abigail.) What weirdos!

News Round-Up

noplaceforbabies

1. Miley Cyrus and a naked Miss Teen USA failed to rouse the Northwest Cryobank baby.

2. I had the comforting realization that my child will be spared the shuddering horror of knowing one’s parents once had sex.

3. Childcare in D.C. costs more than $400/week, so this blog may go on hiatus for a few years because that’s more per month than my mortgage.

4. I got started on my baby registry. [Ed. note 11/14/14: This was funny at the time because it linked to a registry of nothing but clown-themed items. Now it’s just a normal baby registry.]

Parenting Tips From Alana

Allow me to introduce you to Alana.

Alana is the heroine of my favorite comic book series, “Saga,” by Brian Vaughan and Fiona Staples. She has a baby, Hazel, with her husband, Marko.

Let’s look at some of the tasks Alana accomplishes while carrying a baby. All of these make concerns like D.C.-area daycare costing $400-plus a week seem pretty trivial.

i'mfuckingkillingyou

Alana keeps her shit relatively together after this bounty hunter, The Stalk, injures Marko with her barbed tongue. Alana’s weak little gun, called a Heartbreaker, briefly incapacitates victims with painful memories. The Stalk is not impressed.

damnbitch

The Stalk wants to take Hazel alive. Alana bluffs hardcore (or does she?), because a Heartbreaker can kill an infant.

carryingmarko

Alana carries both her wounded husband AND Hazel on a long journey through some caverns.

Remember, Alana gave birth less than a week ago at this point.

nopromises

Alana and Marko go into battle against some baddies, armed with nothing but Marko’s sword and Alana’s ineffective gun. But as a trained combatant, Alana doesn’t need the Heartbreaker to rain wrath upon her enemies.

dearthat'senough

Alana keeps hold of Hazel after being wounded in the firefight. Marko, who went all beserker, needs to chill the heck out, says Alana.

yougotthisboss

Much later in the series, Alana shows some reanimated skeletons who’s boss. ALANA IS BOSS.

Look Who’s Stalking

As a reward for giving Northwest Cryobank $900, this baby started following me around the Internet.

babydrwho

The Northwest Cryobank baby does not show any enthusiasm for my hobbies.

 

babycornmaze

The Northwest Cryobank baby remained unmoved by this corn maze depicting New Jersey’s gubernatorial candidates.

 

babymiketyson

Jaded sports reporters gave Mike Tyson a standing ovation when he confessed that he’d been lying about his sobriety for years. Nothing, Northwest Cryobank baby?

 

babyparisjackson

On Radar, I only ever see the “Nine months to ten tiny fingers” banner. The Northwest Cryobank baby doesn’t slum it.

Note the Modcloth ad. Modcloth gets even more of my money than Northwest Cryobank does.

textroulettebaby

Very occasionally, I glimpse the unicorn of Northwest Cryobank ads: the judge-y open-eyed baby who gives the stink-eye to whatever online filth I’m wallowing in. For the record, judge-y open-eyed baby, I was looking up the rules of text roulette FOR WORK.