How to Magically Get Pregnant

1. Buy a ton of clothing that you will never fit into again if you get pregnant. Remove the tags. The clothing will lose its powers if it is returnable.

2. Tell the cryobank to ship the goods. This will cost $160, plus $30 for three basters. Track the package as often as possible, at least once an hour. This will insure prompt delivery.

3. Drink every caffeinated beverage you can without your heart exploding. At least five Cheerwines a day. You may be entering a dark period of no Cheerwine.

4. Tell everyone who walks into your office that you are trying to get pregnant on Friday. You can’t fail now!

5. Consider buying an expensive, non-refundable plane ticket to somewhere overseas nine months from now, in case the clothing purchase doesn’t work.

[Ed. Note 11/14/14: None of this worked.]

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