Fairfax Cryobank offers Face Match, which uses advanced technology (that cannot handle glasses, mustaches or hats) to match sperm donors to photos you upload. The database coughs up HIGH, MEDIUM and LOW matches.

This called for some exhaustive user testing.

Let’s start with the gentlemen of “Top Gear.”

James May: 10 LOW matches.

Young Jeremy Clarkson: Three MEDIUM, 17 LOW.

Richard Hammond:  20 LOW matches.

Moving on to “Doctor Who.”

David Tennant: Two MEDIUM matches, 18 LOW.

Matt Smith: 20 LOWS.

And “Sherlock.”

Benedict Cumberbatch: One MEDIUM, 19 LOW.

Martin Freeman: ZERO matches??!!

Is Fairfax Cryobank racist against Britons and hobbits? What else gets ZERO matches?

Fiat 500 Abarth: ZERO matches.

What do I have to do to get a HIGH match?

James Van Der Beek: Two HIGH matches, five MEDIUM, 13 LOW.

Ugh, Fairfax Cryobank.