News Round-Up II

1. I encountered a new Northwest Cryobank ad!

The content of this Urban Dictionary entry is hardly infant-appropriate. That mom’s too busy smelling her baby to notice.

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2. I used the high-powered media outlet at which I work to take a bold stance on parenting.

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3. I was in CPR/AED/first aid training on Monday. We all had to practice our skills on baby dolls. No one else named their babies! (Mine was Abigail.) What weirdos!

News Round-Up

noplaceforbabies

1. Miley Cyrus and a naked Miss Teen USA failed to rouse the Northwest Cryobank baby.

2. I had the comforting realization that my child will be spared the shuddering horror of knowing one’s parents once had sex.

3. Childcare in D.C. costs more than $400/week, so this blog may go on hiatus for a few years because that’s more per month than my mortgage.

4. I got started on my baby registry. [Ed. note 11/14/14: This was funny at the time because it linked to a registry of nothing but clown-themed items. Now it’s just a normal baby registry.]

Parenting Tips From Alana

Allow me to introduce you to Alana.

Alana is the heroine of my favorite comic book series, “Saga,” by Brian Vaughan and Fiona Staples. She has a baby, Hazel, with her husband, Marko.

Let’s look at some of the tasks Alana accomplishes while carrying a baby. All of these make concerns like D.C.-area daycare costing $400-plus a week seem pretty trivial.

i'mfuckingkillingyou

Alana keeps her shit relatively together after this bounty hunter, The Stalk, injures Marko with her barbed tongue. Alana’s weak little gun, called a Heartbreaker, briefly incapacitates victims with painful memories. The Stalk is not impressed.

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The Stalk wants to take Hazel alive. Alana bluffs hardcore (or does she?), because a Heartbreaker can kill an infant.

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Alana carries both her wounded husband AND Hazel on a long journey through some caverns.

Remember, Alana gave birth less than a week ago at this point.

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Alana and Marko go into battle against some baddies, armed with nothing but Marko’s sword and Alana’s ineffective gun. But as a trained combatant, Alana doesn’t need the Heartbreaker to rain wrath upon her enemies.

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Alana keeps hold of Hazel after being wounded in the firefight. Marko, who went all beserker, needs to chill the heck out, says Alana.

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Much later in the series, Alana shows some reanimated skeletons who’s boss. ALANA IS BOSS.